So Numb, I Almost Can't Feel You There
by smartkid37
Summary: As one team member struggles to learn how to celebrate Christmas with his father, another struggles behind the scenes, not only with his teammate's attitude but also with a decision that's been thrown at him amidst a family crisis; a decision he has no desire to make. Feeling alone and adrift, can he find his way? Will there be anyone there to help him see the light?
1. Chapter 1

Special thanks goes out to my awesome help - **Gottahavemyncis** and **Shelbylou**!

**Episode Tags**: -_ "Penelope Papers' & "You'd Better Watch Out"_

**Begins as the lights fade on "You'd Better Watch Out."**

* * *

All eyes are on Tony as they wait with baited breath while the senior agent takes in the sight of his father standing there in MTAC. Senior has been given a second chance to spend Christmas with his son; not because of anything Tony has done, but because Abby spearheaded the plan…with the team's help of course…to make sure Anthony DiNozzo Senior didn't leave; but, instead came back to try one more time to make his son's Christmas special; for both of them.

This moment is the perfect example of happiness; at having a family reunited at Christmas. Standing there watching as Abby leads the older man into MTAC; coat and bag still in tow, makes everyone's faces light up with anticipation and joy at being able to witness what's about to happen; especially when the DiNozzo's embrace. In fact, it's hard not to get into the Christmas spirit and the festivity of the season when you've got a front row seat to something like this.

Of course, for Tim it's a lot harder than he lets on because no matter how dysfunctional everyone else's families are, his is actually broken due to his long estrangement from his father, courtesy of Admiral McGee's negative views on everything Tim has done in his life. For the past seven plus years, the only time he has spoken to his father took place after the case that put Penny in danger and his dear grandmother urged him to call his dad. Since then, they haven't spoken because truthfully, it had been a monumental failure with the age old argument and rift very quickly rearing its' ugly head.

He feels his phone vibrate on his belt clip and quietly excuses himself from the quiet conversation he's having with Ziva and Ducky so that he can take the call, slipping his cell out of the case as he goes. He makes his way over to a darkened corner by the door and sighs when he sees the name on the caller ID. _Just as he expected, Sarah._

He won't give her the satisfaction of arguing with him again tonight. Every year on Christmas Eve, it's been the same spirited discussion that soon turns into an argument. _Tim versus Dad…Sarah's extolling Dad's virtues versus Tim's exclamations that he doesn't want to fight about it again…_he just doesn't want to hear it anymore. Not this year.

His father made his choice; the choice to turn his back on his son. What's more, the Admiral has made his views so well known within the family, that they are set in the metaphorical granite that has long been impenetrable. They all know that Tim has already tried reaching out to his father, over a year ago when Penny urged him to do so. They also know that it was a call made in vain, a colossal failure and not one he's in any hurry to repeat

This argument from his sister and on occasion, from his grandmother always has the same MO; trying to sway Tim away from his convictions, attempt to chip away at the granite wall that has been built between the two McGee men. For Tim, this argument is as old as the split itself and more tiring and emotionally painful than his sister and grandmother will ever understand. But he knows that trying to explain any of this to the ladies of his family will be more than Sarah and Penny can ever understand and will only strengthen their resolve to fix the rift that is, for all intents and purposes, unfixable.

Just for tonight, he'd like to be left in peace with the family dysfunction ignored so he can take the time to actually enjoy spending some of the festive off-duty time with his team. They are, after all, his second family. Hell, at times like this, he feels closer to them than he does his birth family; even if it isn't something they ever openly address with each other.

Ignoring the call, Tim heads back to the seats in the second row, anticipating the start of the movie that has been a Christmas tradition for several years now. As Tony cues it up and sits down next to Senior, he glances around at his team and Tim can see the faint glow of contentment at being surrounded by the people the senior field agent holds dear, emanate from his friend. Tim's earlier anger at DiNozzo's stubborn refusal to appreciate the love his father has been trying to show, dissipated in the face of Tony's change of heart.

Admittedly, Tim has taken a minute to dial back his own reaction. His inbred manners reminded him earlier that it wasn't his place to judge the man no matter what his own circumstances. Still, he feels much more at peace with the whole situation and even feels happy for his friend. He knows it has been resolved in the best way possible for both DiNozzos.

_This_ is what makes Christmas special for them. Tim wouldn't have missed this for anything. In fact with the unwelcoming situation with his own family, there isn't _anything_ more important than spending this time with his team. Knitting the bonds even tighter like this will hold them strong through the coming year.

******NCIS******

There is still a good half hour left to the movie, but Tim has barely been able to concentrate on it with his phone vibrating every five minutes. The near constant distraction finally convinces him that whatever Sarah has to say must _really_ be important, so he silent stands up and steps away, hurriedly flipping his phone open only after he's reached the door to MTAC and takes the call.

His first words are defensive and curt thanks to the longstanding habit he has developed with her when he knows what is coming. "Sarah, if you've been blowing up my phone for the last hour and a half just to go through the whole yearly argument that I should somehow fix the situation with Dad …"

"_Tim. Honey…"  
_  
"Mom?" Tim's feet freeze in shock at the voice he hasn't heard in over seven years. Thanks to his estrangement from the Admiral, it is no surprise his relationship with his mother has suffered as well. It's one loss that Tim has always regretted but he knows that his father is a formidable force and going against her husband would have rocked the boat even further and that wasn't something Mrs. McGee was one to do. The only problem with that was she had been forced to join in the estrangement from her only son rather than support him in any way.

_"I'm sorry to call and I know you probably don't want to hear from us but…Tim, your father needs you. You nee…"_

"Mom" Tim cut his mother off mid-flow feeling annoyed that someone he hasn't spoken to for years has joined the argument and in support of his father, at that. Ordinarily, he wouldn't ever dream of interrupting her like this, but hearing her voice at the other end of the line has derailed him to the point that his manners have taken a back seat. Tim really doesn't know what to think.

His mother had never bothered contacting him before in fear of being on the receiving end of the Admirals wrath at her defiance. Maybe it's urgent and not just an argument in the making, but he's too emotionally worn down by this fight to do anything but object. "I've been through this with Sarah and Penny, over and over again. I know you know this already. He _doesn't_ need me; he doesn't even want to _talk_ to me, remem…?"

"_Tim. Your father's had a stroke."_

Tim sucks in a harsh breath of air and closes his eyes as the news washes over him filling his heart with shock, sadness and even despair, all rolled into one. Never in a million years would he have seen this coming. He exhales as the breath he doesn't even know he was holding blurs his vision slightly and the silent _'Oh God, no!'_ runs through his mind. Even after the years of estrangement, the news that his father is sick still hits him hard .

"_Honey, did you hear me?"_ His mother's almost plaintive voice pulls at him through the phone line.

"Yes, Mom. I heard you." Tim answers quietly. "How is he?"

"_The stroke affected the left side of the brain so he can't speak and he's paralyzed down his right side. He's…" _Tim's mom cuts off with a sob.

_"He's not the man he used to be. He understands everything that's going on, I can see that in his eyes, but the doctors say he's trapped in a body that won't function and he can't tell us what he wants or needs. He can't even write because his dominant hand has been affected."_

Tim sighs heavily. "What else did Dad's doctors say?"

_"They…I can't get a firm answer out of them. They said that the stroke is severe enough to possibly cause permanent damage, but he may or may not regain some use. They've got a speech therapist trying to teach him how to speak again, but it's all a little grey as to whether or not it'll work. They're giving him medication but I just hate the uncertainty of it all."_

"So he might recover?" Tim asks with a little bit of hope.

_"Sorry, honey. I just don't know. The doctors don't know and say some people do recover, but with the severity of what happened it won't be 100% recovery. People have partially recovered so that they can function at least, but as it stands your father will need complete care."_

I'm sorry, Mom." The young man offers quietly, unmistakable sympathy in his tone, for her and the pain and worry she must be going through.

"_It's not your fault Honey. But, he needs you."_

"You don't really believe that do you? You're wrong. I'm the _last _person he needs or probably wants to see right now." With a concerted effort to control his emotions, Tim quietly waits for her response.

"_Sweetheart,_ _Sarah's here. Penny's on her way to get you so you can both be here for your father. I know you can't get here until the morning. It'll be great to see you again. I…we miss you, Tim."_

The pain in her voice tears at his soul, even more now that he's heard her voice again after all these years. His objection to the idea of being at his father's bedside is replaced with genuine sorrow that his mother is facing this without the support from her son; support that she is currently silently crying out for. His voice nearly breaks as he haltingly offers her what little he has to give.

"Mom… I'm sorry. I can't be there for you now."

"_I know, Honey. Just get here when you can."_ His mother's soft voice carries all the love and support for him that he hasn't heard since the night he left home for FLETC. Part of him feels his heart warm at that, but the bitterness he feels at the fact that she hasn't offered it to him in all these years, soon extinguishes that and he feels his heart breaking. To make matters worse, his mother has completely misunderstood what he'd been trying to convey to her, and actually believes he's going to go to his father…to her.

"Mom, I have to go. I…we're in the middle of something."

_"Okay. Tim…baby, we'll see you soon. I do love you and always have, please don't forget that."_

Tim feels his eyes fill with tears at this. "I know. Me too."

With herculean effort, he chokes back the emotion as he quietly closes his phone, but can't find it within himself to move from the spot. It's only the slight movement of his chest that betrays how much effort it's taking to reel in his emotions enough to rejoin the team so that not one of them will see even so much as a glimpse of his emotional quandary.

The call he's just taken has ripped his world apart and his mind and heart are now awash in turmoil. Going to his father's hospital bedside, well, that's the _last_ thing he can do right now, even though it's the _only _thing he wants to do. He just can't do it; he can't go back to spend the Christmas merriment with the team with this on his heart, either. Decision made, he slips away, leaving MTAC _almost_ undetected.

*****NCIS*****

From across the darkened room, lit only by the movie on the MTAC screen, Leroy Jethro Gibbs watches his agent leave MTAC without a backward glance or spoken word to any of them. Having already gotten to his feet before the young man had stood, he was already on his way out of the room when Tim's movements to take whatever call it was stopped him in his tracks.

Though the younger man kept the conversation as quiet as possible, Gibbs read Tim's body language quite well enough to know that, just as he'd feared, the call meant personal problems for the young man. The boss's heart hitches at the unmistakable stance of someone locked in a physical battle to stay strong in the midst of whatever has just been thrown at them. Now the room seems to have gone deathly silent and Gibbs looks around him. It's with relief that he sees the rest of his team, his family, are still engaged in watching the movie without any clue as to what he's just witnessed. Without looking back, it's his turn to leave the room without saying anything further. For once, his attention is focused entirely on his youngest agent.

*****NCIS******

The lab and surrounding corridors are quiet; so quiet that it's strangely comforting and gives him time to think. Only Abby will disturb him here and she won't be back down til morning since she's caught up in the gathering up in MTAC. Experience of past years means Tim knows it will go on all night or until the early wee hours when everyone will go their separate ways to celebrate Christmas, or in their case, get some sleep before working.

Pacing the stretch of corridor that runs parallel to the stairwell, his thoughts run in circles about the painful decision he's just had to make; with precious little time to think about it before making it; as well as the shattered relationship he has with all but two of his family members. Despite this, the crisis of his father's stroke and the possible impact that his decision may have on those relationships weighs heavily on his mind.

The way he sees it, his choice is either to decide whether he goes to his father just to make his mother, sister and grandmother happy or if he stays put, abiding by his father's wishes while alienating himself even further from the rest of people in his family; the ones that actually do care about him. He just doesn't have the answers but he wishes someone did. He wants to be there for his family, _but how can he be there for a man __who laid down the family law some eight years ago, that Tim was no longer welcome in his life; in the family's life_?

The long dormant vault of hurt and anger shouts to be heard as questions stemming from those emotions assault his mind now: _Why should I be there for someone that who's showed me no affection, ever and has always been dead against the choices I've had mad? How can I even consider going to be there for someone who made it clear years ago that my life and the choices I've made for it; are all a waste because I went against family tradition and decided against joining the Navy?__Dad made the choice to disown me_.

Now that his thoughts have come full circle – back to the _real_ issue at the heart of the matter for him, Tim finds his feet stalling in their restless pacing.

Tim loves his dad unconditionally, but still the wounds from their split are deep and the Commander's message unmistakable. What right does Tim have to go against that? It's the one question the women in his family have unilaterally ignored or chosen to overlook since things between the two men took this painful turn.

But, they're women and being women, they firmly believe they can manipulate the Admiral's rules at will, so they fail to see the quandary Tim is in. They don't understand the rules of men and even more important, sons, in a hierarchy. All they understand is the men in their family are estranged and their own emotions dictate that the situation be rectified as soon as possible. They also think that the most malleable person involved should make the first move. In this case, they believe that person is Tim.

Despite what the women in his family think, Tim understands how things really work in this somewhat antiquated scheme of things and he's never had the desire to fight it. He has always known that he would only create more upheaval in the family by fighting his father's mandate. That's the one reason he's never pushed his mother for her support.

The fact that the iron back-boned head of the family now lies in a hospital bed, partially paralyzed and mute, doesn't change those rules. Besides, it's a fairly safe bet that because the man's mind is completely intact, his views won't have changed. If anything, being trapped in a body that he can't operate or control, will most likely make him more determined to have his rules obeyed to the letter. Tim knows that once banished from the kingdom, one does not just suddenly reappear with hopes that all has been forgotten or all decisions changed, simply because ill-health has befallen the head of the family. Things just don't work that way.

Tim, knows that a bigger unforgivable transgression will be to walk into that hospital room acting as though the rift has never happened. The Admiral will take that as disrespectful; especially while he is unable to assert his authority with the power he's always wielded, that has long made everyone abide by his wishes. It's a rule the McGee women have long forgotten or worse, simply chosen to overlook. Tim, however, knows he has no such luxury.

*****NCIS*****

Gibbs hopes he'll find Tim before the young man heads out, since he'd really like to be able to tell him that he's a willing ear if he needs to talk. Though it isn't something he'd usually do, he remembers that he's already taken far too much for granted with this young man, especially when it came to the kid's family background and the relationship he's always assumed Tim had with his father. The Team Leader still has trouble reconciling himself to the fact that he's spent years ignoring Tim's need for more of himself as a role model and mentor because his father had disowned him.

Becoming aware of this, accidentally as he did when he overheard both insightful conversations between his youngest agent and Penny Langston, had been one hell of a rude awakening for Gibbs. Hearing what they'd had to say about Tim's father, back when Penny was in trouble, had gotten him to start questioning himself. How he'd come to break his own rules about not assuming, he still hasn't been able to understand but he has decided it will not happen again.  
**  
**Taking a hurried look in the break room, the Team Leader is surprised that Tim is not there since he's not at his desk either. He realizes, knowing the younger man's patterns of behavior, that he's forgotten that despite the up and down, cold and hot, mean and nice ways in which his favorite person treats his youngest agent, Abby is the one person in whom Tim confides the most. He can only suppose this is due to Tim's ever forgiving nature and undying commitment to those he considers friends. With Abby still up in MTAC with the group, there is little reason to think he'd be down in her lab now.

Outwardly sighing in frustration because he realizes he doesn't know where else to look, the Team Leader sits down at his desk and immerses himself in work; too keyed up to even consider going home. Sleep isn't even on the horizon for him right now.

*****NCIS*****

He's not sure how long he's been pacing with his restless thoughts, but he's calmer now. His resolve has slipped back in place because his decision is made. It's the only viable one available to him and there's no reason to argue about it with himself anymore. As Tim retraces his steps back to the squad room, he reassures himself that he's looking at this this the right way and that his reasoning is sound in lieu of the family's history that has dictated every decision he has ever made.

Grateful that the darkened squad room leaves little chance that his return to his desk will get him noticed, Tim slides into his chair, opens the cold case he'd been working through earlier and silently begins to peruse it again, scratch pad and pen in hand for new notes. He needs to be distracted by keeping his mind occupied with work.

Gibbs finds himself nearly frozen in surprise when his agent returns to his desk and sits down to work as though it's the middle of the day as opposed to nearly 0200 Christmas morning. He scowls at the fact that the young man is not getting any sleep. The work day, Christmas holiday or not, begins in little more than four hours and there's no way Tim will be awake enough to get through it if he doesn't get some sleep now.

Before he can open his mouth to speak, Tony saunters though the squad room, does a double take at the sight of Tim still working and changes direction, heading now for the younger man's desk. Gibbs sits down at his desk and picks up the file he was working on before the festivities began earlier.

"Hey, Probie. What are you doin? It's way past your bedtime, little man. You know, Santa won't be comin' down the chimney tonight for McNaughty."

Tim allows himself the tiniest of smiles at Tony's good-natured ribbing, though he deliberately refrains from looking the older man's way. "Cute, Tony."

"Seriously, man! Go home and get some shut eye! Even my father's already split. Said he wanted to personally escort the ladies home safely before he heads to my place to sleep. Only reason I'm still here is to clean up MTAC from the party. You, McGee, should really go home and sleep."

"Not a bad idea." Tim replies suddenly as he finally looks up at his teammate. "Thanks Tony." Sliding the file closed, Tim turns it over, turns off his desk lamp, reaches over to snag the strap on his backpack and stands up. Adjusting the strap across his shoulder, Tim smiles thinly at Tony. "See you in the morning."

"I'll be here, McGee. Bright n' early,…unfortunately. I mean, who works Christmas Day?"

"We do apparently. It's our turn on rotation, as I'm sure you already know. Balboa had it last year." Tim replied quietly and shrugged. "Might not be too bad and hopefully we'll get a quiet day."

"Ya never know!" Tony replied and watched as Tim nodded.

Without another word, the younger man is gone. The sound of his feet on the stairs in the back stairwell faintly heard as a testament as to how he plans on leaving the building.

"Night, Boss." Tony offers without missing a beat as he turns to head out, his feet turned back to the elevator.

"Night." Gibbs replies without looking up from the file he was still reading through.

"Hey, Boss." Tony stops and turns back, his eyes locked on those of the older man.

"Somethin' on your mind, DiNozzo?" Gibbs looks up at his Senior Field Agent.

"Sorry for the way I've been actin' since Dad's been here. It's just…well, you know… it's..."

"Complicated." Gibbs finishes for him, knowing its Tony's fall-back word for describing the relationship he has with his father. his excuse for not trying harder to cut the man some slack, no matter how much effort the Senior DiNozzo puts into it. The Team Leader's heard at least a half-dozen times over the past couple of years. "I know."

Wordlessly, Tony scrutinizes the man's face for genuine reaction. "Thanks for not bustin' my chops about it, Boss."

"It won't happen again." Gibbs replies in both explanation and warning.

"It won't, Boss." Tony vows seriously, though he knows it's always a possiblity.

"I know." Gibbs replies, rewarding him with trust.

"Night, Boss." Tony replied. "Hey, you have any idea what's really goin' on with Probie?"Tony turns back to ask.

"He'll tell us when he's ready."

"Yeah. Okay. Night, Boss." Tony finally leaves Gibbs alone in the squad room to his thoughts. The Team Leader sits back in his chair and frowns. Whatever is going on with McGee has upset him enough that the team has noticed, but in all fairness, it's a discussion he knows neither of them are ready for at this hour.

******NCIS*****

Back in Abby's lab, Tim stretches out on the futon she keeps on hand for nights such as this. It's surprisingly comfortable, even with Bert's flatulence every time Tim moves his head. Despite this he just can't find the sleep he knows he needs. sighing deeply at the complete exhaustion and frustration that courses through him, he rolls onto his side and closes his eyes once again.

He wants to sleep, even though he's convinced that sleep will be filled with the same dreams that always haunt him at times like this; dreams of his father's last words to him, the Admiral's face filled with such disappointment, anger and hatred so strong that Tim has never been able to forget it. Even now, as his exhausted body finally starts to wind down and sleep finally starts to carry him away, his father's voice fills his head in a vivid replay of that final confrontation:

"_You're a quitter, Timothy! You take the easy way out because you can't handle standing up on a boat! You call that being a man? A man would fight through that nuisance you call sea-sickness and would beat it rather than let it beat them. You're too soft! All you want to do is to sit behind a desk and punch computer keys all damn day! That's what those stupid degrees have amounted to. They've given you the license to do ride a desk and do nothing. You call that a job? Don't you dare call yourself a patriotic American when that's all you see fit to do with your life! Hell, boy! You're not even worthy to carry the McGee name! Go on! Live with your choices! Just don't expect any of us to be there to pick your sorry ass up when you fall on your face. You're on your own and don't you forget it!"_

******NCIS******

"Special Agent Gibbs." The accusatory edge to the voice and familiar timbre snaps Gibbs' head up away from his reading. He glances to the edge of the squad room and sure enough; standing there with an escort in the form of a Security Guard from downstairs, is Penny Langston.

With a silent nod for the Security Guard, letting him know he's relieved of the responsibility of their visitor, Gibbs rises from his chair and quickly walks to meet her. "Ms. Langston. Nice to see you again."

"It's Penny." The older woman objects firmly.

"Alright. Penny. What are you doing here at almost three in the morning?"

"I'm here to pick up Timothy, of course." She replies in a tone that says she expected him to know this already. "We have a long drive ahead of us and I'd like to get started before the traffic becomes unbearable."

"Drive? The work day starts in four hours. Christmas holiday or not, my team is on duty tomorrow. That means they come in so they're here if we get a call."

"Agent Gibbs, do you mean to tell me that Timothy's being here is more important than being there for his family in light of what has happened? No wonder Timothy claims you remind him of his father!" Penny fires back angrily.

Gibbs looks back at her blankly, clearly unaware of what she's talking about.

One look at the expression on his face shuts her fury down cold. "Timothy didn't tell you."

"Hasn't said a word." Gibbs replies with a frown of confusion since his youngest team member, indeed, hasn't told him anything.

Penny is genuinely surprised that her Grandson hasn't turned to his team for support or understanding. "Why wouldn't he tell you that his father's ha…"

"Because it doesn't change anything." Tim's quiet answer comes unexpectedly from the edge of the squad room behind them

Both Penny and Gibbs turn to see him standing there looking grave. Penny rushes over to her grandson and embraces him as she speaks. "Oh, Timothy. Of course it does!"

Accepting her affection for a brief moment, Tim steps back and looks her directly on. "No. It doesn't. You remember the last time I did as you suggested? You remember how well that went? I'm sorry, Penny. But I can't go with you."

"McGee. Family comes first. Go on, we can cover." Gibbs speaks up to remind him of what his priorities should be.

With his eyes locked on his Grandmother's, silently begging her to understand, he quietly answers the man who's been more of a father-figure to him for the past seven plus years than the one currently at the center of this conversation. "You don't understand, Boss."

******NCIS*******

Gibbs surprisingly enough, intercedes on his behalf when it becomes clear several minutes later, that Tim's mind is made up. With a glare in his agent's direction that orders him to stay put until the boss returns, the older man quietly urges Penny to let him walk her out.

In a rare moment of unresolved discord between her grandson and herself, Penny gives in, giving her grandson a hug and cupping his face in her hands with genuine affection. The actions themselves are loving, but Tim knows that they are a last ditch attempt to get him to change his mind. "Timothy…"

Tim shakes his head and leans down to kiss her cheek to stop her plea in its tracks. Tim can still hear his own internal response to her argument ringing in his ears. _He hasn't wanted to see me before. I won't force myself on him now._

He hates not being able to give his grandmother a sound reason for not agreeing with her, but he refuses to air his family's issues where others can hear, even if it is just the boss. He knows Penny understands. He's thankful for it and for her. He just wishes he could do what she's asking; what all the women in his family expect of him. But he can't. The fact remains that the one he has to obey, to, the one whose expectations he has to meet, is his father's. Mute or not, the man has long expected Tim to stay out of his life and that of the rest of the family's and until the man can speak for himself and tell Tim otherwise, that's the expectation he has to follow.

Saying goodbye to his grandmother, amidst her continued objections that he needed to go with her to see his father, has been one of the hardest things he's had to do in a very long time. It's even harder than it was last year, biting the bullet and attempting to bridge the gap between himself and his father at Penny's request. Tim remains thankful that this rare disagreement between them has not included any details that the boss would have heard, but certainly did not need to know.

In Gibbs' absence, Tim makes his escape to the one place he knows the man will not expect to find him. The last thing he needs was to be hammered with questions until he caves in and lets it all out. What he needs now is peace and quiet and the chance to sleep. Setting his alarm on his phone, Tim lays down, using his jacket as a pillow, he closes his eyes and tries his darnedest to clear his mind since that's the only way he'll be able to fall asleep.

*****NCIS*****

Finding the squad room empty upon his return momentarily angers Gibbs, yet a part of him completely understands Tim's unwillingness to stand still for what he has to have known, was the oncoming angry inquisition. He, himself escorted the young man's grandmother down to the front sign out in hopes of getting a moment to talk with her about the specifics of what was going on with his youngest agent. It's clear that whatever it is has to do with Tim's father. What is also clear is that it's something very big; big enough that Tim is standing his ground against his grandmother, of all people, the one person he's readily admitted means everything to him.

Penny hasn't admitted much, though that isn't a surprise. The woman has already shown herself to be remarkably tight-lipped when she feels the need to be. Gibbs isn't sure she's being so now out of her reaction to Tim's refusal to cooperate or out of her raw emotion in response to whatever the situation with her son is to begin with.

They'd reached the ground floor before Gibbs had broken the silence earlier. The question had to be asked and he'd done his best to ask calmly. "There something I should know, Penny?"

Penny had shaken her head. "No, Agent Gibbs. If Timothy wants to tell you, he will. Don't make the same mistakes his father has by forcing his hand with something that's his decision to make."

"I take it something's happened to your son."

"I have to go."

Gibbs verbally reaches out. "Penny, if this is something I can help him with…."

"Agent Gibbs, don't ask me to break his confidence. He hasn't had many people he can trust in his life and I will not betray the trust he has in me. If you really want to help him, then show him it's safe for him to let you in."

Gibbs conceded her point. "Whatever it is that has you here at this hour must be urgent. Your grandson should be going with you. Family's important."

"No one knows that more than Timothy. Think what you will of him, but don't make the mistake of thinking he's refusing lightly. Trust me when I say this, Agent Gibbs. This is the hardest thing he's ever had to do."

"But you think he's right."

"I've always encouraged him to stand firm and believe in the strength of his own convictions."

"That why you just spent the last half-hour trying to change his mind?" Gibbs asked. He was confused as to why the woman that wanted Tim to be his own person, would try and coerce him into doing something that he didn't want to do.

"Yes. "

At his quizzical expression, she'd frowned. "I knew the more I pushed, the deeper Timothy would dig his heels in, reassuring his own mind that he's right to make the decision he's made."

"Reverse psychology?"

"Of sorts. I want him to come with me; to be there with his family. For himself more so than for them. But I understand more than his mother and sister ever will, why he feels he can't be there." She'd replied.

Gibbs had nodded with understanding and taken a business card out of his pocket and handed it to her "You call me if any of you need anything."

Looking from the business card to the man who'd handed it to her, she'd smiled. "You're not as close in mannerisms as my son, after all. Timothy's wrong about that.,. I know everything that has happened Agent Gibbs and I expect you to look out for him better than you have in the past. I'm trusting you to look after him."

He'd known his surprise had shown on his face, but she'd relentlessly kept going.

"Be a better man than his father has shown himself to be where Timothy is concerned. Be there for him when he needs you to be. He doesn't know how to ask for help. He really does see you as a father figure of sorts but what similarities you do have with his father, keep Timothy from reaching out. I'm afraid we have my son to thank for that. Try to remember, Agent Gibbs that just because he doesn't ask for anything, doesn't mean he doesn't need it…sometimes quite badly."

With those parting words, the woman had walked away without looking back leaving Gibbs standing there frowning. He wonders for a minute, now what his next move needs to be. It isn't very often that he feels the need to think before he acts. However, the strong, liberated woman's words have opened his mind to that necessity.

He needs to know what's going on and right now, neither McGee or Penny are willing to admit to anything. He understands the need to patiently wait until the answers are given to him. _Who does he think he's kidding, he's not patiently waiting at all. What he's really doing is anticipating Tim's return to the squad room so he can pounce on him and demand answers._

Like the force to be reckoned with that she is, Penny Langston's words come back to him in full force. "_If Timothy wants to tell you, he will. Don't make the same mistakes his father has by forcing _forcing_ his hand with something that's his decision to make."_

_"Damn!_ Shaking his head to dispel the words from his mind, Gibbs heads out for fresh coffee and the chance to think more on what has been going on tonight.

*****NCIS*****

He hadn't expected to sleep, but the alarm going off on his phone alerts Tim to the fact that he has at least managed some. Tim sits up, being careful not to roll off the autopsy table and stretches his stiff muscles. It's been three hours since he had spoken his peace in the squad room, taking both the boss and his grandmother by surprise. Penny's reaction had been as predictable as it had been welcomed, though now he knows it is the boss's reaction with which he should be concerned. He's hopeful the man will leave it alone and let things get back to normal.

Thankfully, the squad room is empty when he returns, having retrieved a fresh change of clothes from his locker in the shower room, and stolen a quick shower. Feeling awake enough to face the day, he focuses his attention on his emails before re-reading the file he'd been reviewing last night.

With things looking normal, the others stroll in at different times looking tired after the small celebration last night. After the Christmas greetings were exchanged, with a bit of banter from Tony, the workday finally begins with no sign, as far as he can tell, that anything is wrong.

******NCIS******

Coming in to work on time already has Tony in a good mood but it's a mood that quickly goes downhill when he realizes that his teammate never went home. Oh, he's wearing a fresh change of clothes and his hair's still damp from the shower he's managed to take, but Tony just knew what to look for. That in itself is the giveaway. Tim has never before come to work with wet hair and Tim was usually perfectly styled first thing.

Frowning, Tony takes a silent minute to scrutinize the situation further, noting the supply of empty coffee cups in the younger man's trash can as well as the fatigue that is written all over him causing the erect posture as Tim tries to exude the confidence of a well-rested man. What's even more strange, is that on a normal day, Tim would breeze in and greet everyone cheerily. Today has been different though. The 'Merry Christmas' has been halfhearted at best and Tim hadn't even bothered to say hello to the team as they arrived.

The arrival of the boss as he walks through the squad room shoots down any query that Tony has. It's the glare that Gibbs sends his way that has him lapsing into silence. Without further discussion, the squad room becomes quiet as the workday begins with a comfortable silence.

The peaceful quiet that surrounds him as he digs for fresh clues online only lasts about thirty minutes before Tim's cell phone once again begins it's near constant vibrating signaling Sarah's resumed efforts to get him to change his mind. As the morning wears on, the struggle to keep his mind on his work, amidst the constant reminders of his family's crisis, begins to take its toll. Tim's rare display of temper begins to emerge, the keystrokes becoming more anger driven, as if trying to beat his keyboard into submission, and his shoulders becoming even more rigid.

Tony and Ziva can't help but notice; it's to their credit that they hold their tongues, though just barely, and continue working on their own cold cases, leaving Tim alone. Somehow they make it through until Gibbs calls them to break for lunch without satisfying their curiosity and concern.

No sooner has the boss said the words than Tony is out of his seat and half way to his probie's desk, that is until Gibbs shakes his head, denying the Senior Field Agent that choice. With a nod, the boss silently orders Tony to leave Tim alone and it's not long before his silent conversation includes Ziva as well. Left with no options to finding out what's going on with the youngest member of their team, Tony and Ziva head down to the lab. If anyone knows what's going on with Tim, it will be Abby.

But there too, they find no answers as, much to their surprise; the Lab Rat admits she has no clue. In fact, she wasn't even aware that Tim had been going through something personal until now. Now that she's been made aware that something is going on with her Timmy, she's determined to get to the bottom of it. He always talks to her and she has no doubt this time will be no different.

As Tony and Ziva head to the break room to grab some food from the buffet that has been set up there, Abby heads upstairs to insist Timmy grab some lunch with her so they can go downstairs to eat in the privacy of her inner office.

Usually, he can never resist opening up to her over a good meal in a quiet restaurant, but because it's Christmas Day, she's forced to come up with something else; something that luckily, she could quickly put together with the help of some desk clearing and candles she's had stored in her drawer since they lost power a couple of years back. She plans along the lines of what works. What she doesn't expect when she presents her idea; is for Tim to turn her down.

The saddened mood the young man seems stuck in comes through in his reply to her. "I'm not hungry, Abby. Thank you, though."

"Timmy! You can't **not **have lunch on Christmas! Director Vance even ordered a goose and a turkey for the cold cuts today…"

"Abbs, please. I really don't want to eat! I just want to finish what I'm doing."

The Goth won't let that go and stands there with her hands firmly on her hips. "No! Even if you don't eat, I've set everything up downstairs so I can spend some time with you. Believe it or not McGee, I enjoy your company and want to spend my Christmas lunch hour with you!"

"Maybe some other time, Abby." Tim stubbornly begs off, showing no signs of giving in this time.

With a sigh of frustrated resignation, Abby gives up. "I don't know what's up with you, McGee, but I don't like it. I don't like it one bit!" Her tone is as loud as her glare is angry, yet nothing seems to sway him.

Maybe it's the fact that for once, Tim isn't falling over himself apologizing to her in the face of her anger, especially since her champion is silently watching the exchange take place from behind his own desk, but something about this situation grabs Abby's attention in a way that calms her down and without another word, she's gone from the squad room and peace returns.

With a sigh, Tim returns his attention to his work, that is, until once again, his phone vibrates with the incoming call, presumably from his sister. Tiredly, Tim opens the desk drawer he's stowed the offending device in and snaps it open, not looking at the caller id.. "Sara…"

_"Timothy, I thought you were coming with your grandmother_." His mother's tear-filled voice catches him by the heart and nearly chokes him. His eyes close in misery. He never wanted to hurt her like this, but he cannot be there right now. It isn't his fault she can't understand that. "_You said you were coming."_

"No, Mom. I said I was sorry I couldn't be there for you right now." He gently corrects her.

_"Oh, Tim." _His mother ends the call on that note, leaving him feeling like she's just stabbed him in the heart. In less than a minute later, his phone vibrates once more. Thinking it's his mother calling back to talk about this, he answers the call. "Mom…"

_"You selfish son of a bitch!"_ Sarah yells at him. "_All you ever think about is yourself! Always refusing to fix things with Dad, no matter how much we all beg you to! Why can't you think of us, for a change? Especially NOW! Do you have any idea how much Mom needs you? How much Penny needs you? All you can think about is this stupid power trip you're on to get one over on Dad because he's always been so hard on you! Get over yourself Tim! Get over yourself and get your ass up here or so hel…!"_

With a heavy heart, Tim snaps the phone shut on her ranting, letting it drop to his desk, his ears ringing from her harsh words that cut him to the quick. _Does she really think that way? _He doesn't have the energy to think about this anymore_._Wiping his hand across his face wearily, he's surprised when he opens his eyes again, to find his boss standing in front of his desk watching him with concern etched across his face. He'd long forgotten the older man was even still here.

"McGee. Whatever's going on with your dad…you should be with him right now." Gibbs' quiet urging proves that Sarah's outraged spiel clearly reached his ears.

Tim shakes his head miserably. "Trust me. That's the _last_ place I should be right now. If he saw my face right now…"

"McGee…!" Gibbs' concern is quickly becoming overshadowed by irritation at the young man's rare non-compliance, especially in a situation that involves family.

"Boss, please! Just let it go." Tim pleads, his control on his temper seriously slipping. He's so tired of all the effort to push him to do what he wants to do anyway, but can't. It hurts to realize that everyone he loves and trusts can't seem to remember that the person he is _would_ do this if he could, that he would never refuse unless it wasn't up to him.

"Always said family's important, McGee." Gibbs pushes, angry that his agent seems to be spitting in the face of his family. "He's your father. You shouldn't be shutting him out."

Suddenly feeling like a cornered tiger with no place to go, Tim reacts without thinking as the control dissipates into thin air. "Like _you_ did, you mean?" Now angry at himself, the situation, the boss who wouldn't leave well enough alone and himself for speaking to Gibbs that way, he snatches up his coffee cup as he jerkily gets up from his chair. "Besides, you got it backwards." Quickly he abandons the squad room without looking back.

Gibbs lets out a huff of frustrated breath and tries to calm the raging anger that bubbles under the surface. This goes deeper than he knew and he doesn't want to push Tim away when he's obviously in turmoil about something. The anger quickly simmers away leaving one question…_What the hell just happened here?_

********NCIS********

Stopping to regain his mental equilibrium, Tim doesn't realize that the little spat in the squad room just now has actually happened in front of an audience and that part of that audience has now followed him out of concern for him.

Tony's return to the squad room can't have been more ill-timed if he'd planned it deliberately. As it is, he's heard the conversation between his boss and their youngest team member as well as the never before seen or heard outburst from his teammate and disbelief doesn't begin to describe his reaction.

In all the years they've worked together, Tim McGee has _never_ spoken to the boss that way which tells Tony that he is right to be concerned. DiNozzo is thankful that Ducky, returning from lunch, also witnessed the incident and can be there for Gibbs. Tony exchanges silent communicative glances with the M.E. and turns his attention to Tim, following him just closely enough to see where he goes.

Giving Tim a few minutes to breathe, Tony then follows him up the stairs toward the roof of the building, dreading the blast of cold that will hit him when he opens the door to the outside. He's pleasantly surprised to find that Tim has stopped at the top of the steps, just inside the door, obviously unwilling to brave the cold himself.

"Not now, Tony." Tim is the first to speak, letting the Senior Field Agent know, not only that he's well aware of his presence, but also that he's in no mood for anything Tony usually pulls in moments of boredom or self-righteous indignation.

"I hear ya, Probie. Just want you to know, I'm here if you wanna talk."

*****NCIS******

"I'm afraid Timothy is quite right, Jethro." Ducky finally speaks into the silence that has filled the squad room in the aftermath of the small explosion of temper. For once, he's not waiting until he's asked for an opinion because what he's just witnessed is too troubling for such formalities.

Gibbs lifts his head enough to glare at his long-time friend in anger.

As usual, Ducky is not bothered by Gibbs' reaction whatsoever and seriously continues on with what he deems is important enough for the younger man to hear. "Whatever is going on with his father, you are the _last_ person that should be telling him what to do or not do, given the path you, yourself chose to follow in your relationship with your own father. It is rather a lot to swallow for anyone who witnessed your initial reconciliation in Stillwater, my friend."

"Damn it, Duck! They shouldn't make my mistakes. None of them should." Gibbs admits sadly. "I lost too many years with my dad; years I can't ever get back and now McGee's doing the same."

"That makes no difference, Jethro. Especially when you do not even know what it is that is going on with his family. Now, we do know young Timothy hadn't spoken to his father for several years until last year, but right now you are not privy to the circumstances surrounding the sudden change in the family dynamics."

"Are you?"

"As a matter of fact, I am, Jethro. Since Penny and I first met last year, we have become quite firm friends. We meet fairly regularly to talk over a cup of tea or lunch." Ducky sighed as he thought of how to word what he had to say next. "Our conversations often turn to how we are, and of course by extension, she talks about her family because despite her free spirit demeanor, she loves them very much. Now, over the past two days, I have spoken to her several times regarding this terrible situation with Timothy' father…

"Spit it out, Duck. What the hell's going on?" Gibbs bites out angrily.

"I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to say. However, I will say that you should heed Penny's advice more than you obviously have since she gave it to you." Having said his peace, the M.E. begins to leave the squad room, confident that Tony will look after Tim. He stops and looks back at his friend. "I believe Timothy has taken his turmoil to the rooftop to better have the space to think things through."

With that parting shot, Ducky makes his way to the elevator, knowing there is now a chance Gibbs might just rethink his attitude enough to make a difference for the young man and hopefully very soon.

*****NCIS******

Tim's expression clearly says DiNozzo must be joking and in ordinary circumstances, he might just be right. But this is serious because it's plain to see that Tim needs a friend right now, even though he's being his usual stubborn self and refusing to admit it.

The younger of the two frowns because the last thing he needs or wants is for Tony to step out of his comfort zone. Clearly, his current situation takes them far out of what's normal for both of them. Tony is firmly and completely out of that zone. He's working to appreciate his father's efforts to make things right with him, to ask him to empathize with others who don't have that positive situation, so not going to work.

"I'm fine." He finally says, looking away from the older man. He's more than ready to let Tony get out of here and put an end to this conversation. He's again far too rankled at the Senior Field Agent's selfish, self-centered attitude towards his father, even after being reminded that he should be grateful for the opportunity because others aren't so fortunate, to continue this conversation with any hope for a positive outcome. Last night he'd put his reaction to Tony's attitude behind him, but this conversation has brought it back, adding fuel to the flame. Time to call an end to the effort, at least for today.

"I get it, Probie." Tony offers kindly.

With a deep-seated sigh of resignation, Tim deliberately takes just enough of the bait to see where exactly Tony's going with this; what he thinks he understands. "What is you get, Tony?"

"You want your old man to respect your decisions so you're playin' hardball with him. Out of habit, really, but its' comfortable for you so you keep playin'."

Tim shakes his head. "I didn't expect you to understand, Tony."

"What is it you think I don't understand, McGee?" Tony counters almost lazily; as if Tim's denial is only superficial. "You want him to do things your way."

"Tony. I get that you're just now beginning to appreciate the control you've had in your relationship with your father ever since you've been on your own and maybe even the effort he's been making to make amends for his screw-ups over the last few years." Tim offers wearily. "It's obvious his efforts to make this Christmas special and different for you have finally made the difference. But not all of us have that relationship with our father."

"Probie, I'm tellin' ya. All you gotta do is show up – he'll let bygones be bygones once you're standin' in front of him; trust me." Tony offers loftily as if his own experiences will prove to be the answers for him as well."And it will be a game well played."

"I'm not like you. This isn't a game to me." Tim replies with a touch of anger. There is no way Tony will understand the position Tim is in. He's too busy assuming Tim is just playing head games with his dad. Hell, even Sarah thinks that way. "Just forget it, Tony." The younger man pleads tiredly.

With his eyes cast in the direction of the small window in the door separating them from the outside, Tim doesn't see Tony's attention turn, as he catches sight of the boss at the bottom of the stairs. With years of silent communication honed to a near-science between them, the Senior Field Agent understands the boss wants the two of them to switch places, In fact, as they draw near each other, Gibbs whispers, "Pack it in. "

Knowing the boss has just granted them an incredibly early evening, Tony's gut clenches in worry even more. It isn't like the man to do anything like this. His senses on high alert, Tony slips from the stairwell, but doesn't go any further. Waiting until the boss's attention is riveted to the young man in turmoil, the Senior Field Agent situates himself where he can hear without being seen because he cares about his probie; the little brother he never had and has yet to admit he cares for in that fashion. _How can he help if he doesn't know what's going on… right?_

"McGee." Gibbs greets the younger man carefully as he deliberately keeps enough distance so his agent won't feel crowded.

Tim sighs. "You're not gonna leave me alone about this until I go up there, are you?"

"You don't think you belong there." Gibbs reasons out aloud, his tone encouraging Tim to get this off his chest by providing an explanation.

Looking back out at the world through the window in the door, Tim answers the man's unasked question. His voice fills with a quiet sadness, shedding light on how badly he wishes things were different. "He made that pretty clear when he told me to get out of his life; the family's lives, the night before I left for FLETC. He hasn't spoken to me in the eight years since. _His_ choice. It's _not_ my place to take that choice away from him just because he's had a stroke and can't speak for himself now. _Especiall_y now."

"Tim." The boss's sympathetic tone clearly says this is the first he's heard of what's really going on with Tim's family.

Tim remains silent, having nothing to say at the moment. The compassion from the boss is almost more than he can deal with, after holding on to what inner strength he has to stand firm in his belief that he's right not to go against his father's wishes right now, no matter how much it hurts him not to be there.

"Doesn't mean you can't be there for your mother, your sister and grandmother, Tim." Gibbs reminds him quietly.

Tim shakes his head. "If I did go, they'd just badger me to go see him; force my way back into his life when he can't speak for himself. Hound me until I go to his room; force him to see that I've come when he couldn't stop me. They don't understand what that would do to him."

"Or to you?" Gibbs asks compassionately.

Silence greets his question as Tim's eyes find their way back to the window once again seeking solace in the light. It's clear, though, that he's struggling to stand strong in his conviction that the choice he's made to respect his father's long-standing wishes, no matter how much it hurts him to do so, is the right one.

Taking a deep breath and slowly letting it out, the Team Leader attempts to offer some hope. "Things like this tend to change a man's priorities, Tim. Maybe he's ready to start fresh with you."

"I'm not holding my breath on that, Boss." Tim stubbornly refuses to look at the man as he admits his lack of faith in that probability. His voice nearly breaking. "Besides, he can't even voice what he is thinking."

"Bottom line is, do you want to be there for your family or not?" Gibbs reminds him a bit firmly, hoping to push him past where he seems to be stuck.

Instead of offering an answer, Tim's shoulders move as a shudder of barely controlled emotion rolls through him, his eyes not moving from the outside world.

"Tim."Once again sympathetic, the boss's tone seems to break the levy as Tim finally looks his way, his eyes bright with unshed tears.

"Boss, he's my dad."

Gibbs nods shortly, as he comprehends exactly what the young man is saying with those three simple words that mean so much. The question has never been whether Tim wanted to go to his father's bedside. The young man obviously loves his father unconditionally and nothing will ever change that. The problem remains that, being the honorable person that Tim is, hasn't allowed him to go against his father's wishes and just show up when he's been banned for years now, no matter the circumstances.

Now that he understands exactly what has been tearing the young man apart since that first phone call last night, the Team Leader calms down and resumes his role as protector and surrogate father figure. He's reminded of Penny's last piece of advice from just yesterday.

_"Be there for him…"_

Gibbs' mind now firmly engages in parental overdrive on Tim's behalf, sternly reminding himself that it's time this kid, _his kid,_ has someone to lean on. Time someone stands by Tim's side as he works through a difficult decision; _this _decision_. _It's not easy going against the ironclad orders of a parent you learned early in life to obey, always. It's even harder to grasp the idea that sometimes, going against them is exactly the right thing to do; not just for yourself but for that parent as well. Gibbs knows Tim hasn't had anyone outside of Penny show him the ropes of making such a decision until now.

Without any more wasted time or conversation, he does what he needs to do as he speaks the words that will help lead Tim out of the minefield he'd been thrown into.

"C'mon, I'll drive you."


	2. Honoring Thy Father

_Dedicated to all you wonderful reviewers who so rightly asked that this go a little further._

_Special thanks goes out to my awesome help - **Gottahavemyncis** and **Shelbylou**!_

* * *

_"C'mon, I'll drive you."_

Caught in the wave of this unusual conversation with the man who seldom speaks to him outside of work topics, Tim feels his feet move before he can stop them. It isn't long, however, before his brain re-engages and his thoughts turn to ways of stopping this train wreck in the making.

He does know he needs to get away from the office, so he doesn't stop the boss from inadvertently helping in that endeavor. In fact, they've driven off the Navy Yard before Tim stops hearing the replay in his head and can focus on what his next move should be.

_"Things like this tend to change a man's priorities, Tim. Maybe he's ready to start fresh with you."_

_"I'm not holding my breath on that, Boss. Besides, he can't even voice what he is thinking."_

_"Bottom line is, do you want to be there for your family or not? Tim."_

_"Boss, he's my dad."_

The car lurches when they pull out into traffic, Tim's mind returns to the present and he's quick to ask for some time to slow down this situation.."Boss, can we stop for dinner first?"

Gibbs glances at Tim in surprise. He knows dinner is not really what is on his agent's mind. "Spit it out, Tim."

"I don't want to do this. Not this way."

Feeling stung, Gibbs nods silently to show he will do as the younger man is asking. Surprisingly enough, it isn't a restaurant he drives them to, but his own house. "Got damn good steaks in the fridge. No need to let them go to waste."

"Thanks, Boss." Tim offers with a hint of apology in his tone.

"Go sit down, relax." The Team Leader gestures towards the living room, even as he, himself turns toward the kitchen.

*****NCIS*****

Watching Gibbs grill their steaks in the fireplace a few minutes later, Tim can't help but relax a little more. That feeling is short-lived, however, when the boss turns to look over at him. "You're not goin'."

Relieved that the man who says very little but yet so much, understands; at least enough not to push him on this any further, Tim answers him. "Not like this ….not until he wants me there."

Gibbs looks away, remembering the conversation he had with Penny Langston about this just yesterday.

_"…Family's important."_

_"No one knows that more than Timothy. Think what you will of him, but don't make the mistake of thinking he's refusing lightly. Trust me when I say this, Agent Gibbs. This is the hardest thing he's ever had to do."_

_"But you think he's right."_

_"I've always encouraged him to stand firm and believe in the strength of his own convictions."_

Recognizing his own bulldozing in the situation, Gibbs remains silent as he turns his attention back to the steaks and removes them from the fireplace. Setting the plates on the coffee table, he looks Tim straight on and finally says his peace.

"I shouldn't have pushed you to change your mind."

Tim accepts the apology with a soft smile. "Thanks."

"Anything changes, you let me know. I'll drive you up there."

Again, Tim can't hold back the appreciation of the man's kindness. "Thanks, Boss."

"Dig in, steak's gettin' cold."

With a euphoric grin, Tim replies. "Never thought I'd see this day. _The Fireplace Special._ I can't wait!"

_*Phoof* - Tim smiling as he cuts into his steak_

_***FINIS***_


End file.
